Once upon a time quite recent in my life, there was me, spending a lot of time on my own at home by myself. It’s because I don’t have so much of a job at the moment. So I spend a lot of time doing archaeological digs in my back yard, hoping to find something of value that I can sell on E-bay. And it’s been quite successful. So far I’ve found the wheel of a primeval matchbox car; I found some glass which I presume is from an ancient spaceship’s rear view mirror; and I found a Pachycephalosaurus from an 80’s sitcom. I also think I’ve found the skeleton of a jellyfish which I can’t really date because it’s mostly just vapour that hovers over a wilted celery tree in my backyard like a giant fishy fog. So yeah, I’ve been spending a lot of time doing that sort of thing and it’s been quite rewarding.
But just last week I was in the backyard with my trowel; and I heard a knock at the front door. So I climbed out of the hole I was digging, using a ladder made of bones, and I got to the front door, opened it, but there was no one there. So I ran out onto the street, but it was empty except for one car. So I ran up to the car, but as soon as I got like about ten metres away it started to drive off. So I did a giant leap and managed to grab hold of the aerial. But it was one of those extendable ones; and so as I pulled myself closer it extended a little further away. So here I was getting dragged along behind a car, being quite severely grazed, hoisting myself up an eternally stretchy Mozzarella like aerial, being dragged into the wilderness of the outer suburbs. And this car seemed to get nothing but green lights it was amazing, like a dream run. And I could hear the driver going… “don’t change… don’t change, oh yes, yes I’m through! I’m through! don’t change… don’t change, oh yes, yes, it’s like a dream run!”
Finally we stopped at this abandoned Fisher and Pykle factory and the driver got out and I looked at him… he was a slippery shimmering pony ice sculpture. And he turned around and said “I’m gonna freeze your little face off you warm buttery bitch”
So, I quickly got to my feet and I was like 'boom' in fight mode ready to take a bit of an icy pummel. And he lunged at me with the swift hands of a Brazilian waxer ripping off the pubey forest of a hippy minge. But I managed to dodge most of his attacks and I got a few good throat jabs in myself. But the fight was mostly the pony’s fun. And he eventually got me down in a hold and I smearing my muddy hands all over his icy sculptured body; my hands where muddy because just previously I had found an under ground aqueduct in my backyard. But I couldn’t detour his glacial strength with my dirty mud fingers.
Anyway he had me in this crazy pony hold for a fair while, and then he started dragging me towards a giant vintage freezer. And as I was scrambling on the ground, I reached into my pocket and found some early Neolithic flint which I had dug up that morning, and I whipped off my bamboo undies and I was like crack – crack with the linty flint; and I started making a small campfire in the pony’s armpit. And he was like “jumping Jupiter a fire” and he dropped me and ran into the giant vintage freezer. So I quickly grabbed a fairly robust rake and jammed it up against the door and locked him in there forever.
And so I wandered home in the peachy afternoon light trying to think of what could possibly posses an ice pony to come after me like that. And when I got home the jellyfish vapour had trashed my house and gone. And I realised that it was all some kind of political attack on me, to remind me of the plight of global warming.